Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
