I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
