In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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