She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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