someone threw a dead crab at me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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