I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
