I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
