I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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