at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize