my phone needs a breathalizer
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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