Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
