it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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