I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
