I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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