I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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