I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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