So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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