John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
