apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
