You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
