i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
