I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
