I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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