just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
