When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
