the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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