So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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