So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
