Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
