Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
