I haven't been this sober since birth.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
