i need an iv and a liver transplant
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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