mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
