went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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