Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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