I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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