Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
