Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
