I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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