i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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