I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
