Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
