i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Four minutes until I can fart!
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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