I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
