I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize