i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So here I am, sexting at work.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
