I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
