you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
