I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize