Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
