Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We got so high we made milksteak
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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