**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
No subtext here. People are naked.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
