my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
