do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
