Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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