This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
