We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize