The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
