I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
